It probably doesn’t come as a surprise that
sexting can be great for your relationship. Whether you’ve been in a relationship for a while or you’re just starting something new, sending flirty, dirty messages is a great way to spice things up and keep them fresh — especially if you and your partner are long-distance.
If you’re not sure how to start (or continue) a
sexting session, though, it can be difficult to overcome the initial awkwardness. That’s why we turned to sex therapists Dr. Liz Powell, Vanessa Marin, and Mal Harrison for tips on how to bite the bullet and get started.
“People might think, ‘I don’t know what to say’ or ‘I’m not creative,’ but you don’t have to dive in with all these
kinky, dirty things,” Marin tells Refinery29. It’s true that sexting can make people uneasy, but it doesn’t have to be daunting: It can be playful and silly. “Find a specific language you feel comfortable with,” Marin says. “If you’re not comfortable with being too explicit from the get-go, that’s okay — just start slow. I think the best way to get started is just by looking at examples.”
If you’re still out of ideas, try drawing from the past: “I can’t stop thinking about that time we…” and then describe your favorite part of your last sexual encounter in detail. Or keep it simple and tell your partner how much you love a specific part of their body — everyone likes a
Here, Marin shares her favorite sexts to get you going. Click through to view them; then, send your favorite to a very lucky recipient indeed.
“I’m arching my back just thinking about seeing you tonight.” Why it works: Naming a specific body part (in this case, your back) provides a level of detail that will definitely capture your partner’s attention. (More so than a generic, “I’m so excited to see you tonight.”) “What’s your fantasy?” Why it works: This seemingly simple question is actually an invitation to let your partner’s imagination run wild. “Your ___ feels incredible.” Why it works: A specific compliment is always better than a generic one — and your partner will love knowing that they’re good with their hands (or tongue or lips or elbows or…). “Come keep me warm.” Why it works: This subtle invitation makes it clear you’re ready to heat things up. “If you could hear the sounds I’m making…” Why it works: Teasing at all the fun you’re having will make things that much hotter for your partner, too. “When was the last time you thought about me?” Why it works: If it’s been a while since you and your partner have met up, an open-ended question like this one can help to jog their memory. “I can’t wait for you to come…home ;)” Why it works: It’s hard to resist a text that’s playful, tells your partner that you miss them, and incorporates a pun. “Where do you want to touch me first?” Why it works: Asking your partner a simple — yet sexy — question can be a great way to get started. “Send me a pic ASAP.” Why it works: The immediacy of this message lets your partner know you need to see them right that second. Just remember: This is only recommended if your sexting partner has already consented to sending sexy pictures of themselves. (Aggressively putting someone on the spot is not sexy.) “Let’s finish what we started.” Why it works: Whether you’re referring to an interrupted tryst or asking for round two, this message will remind your partner just how good your last meetup was. “Only you can make me feel this good.” Why it works: It never hurts to remind your partner that they’re special — and very talented. “I want you all to myself tonight.” Why it works: Your partner will love knowing they’re about to be worshipped. “I’m getting wet just thinking about you.” Why it works: Who wouldn’t love to know that the mere thought of them gets someone all hot and bothered? “Coming over in 5. Be ready ;)” Why it works: There’s nothing quite like the element of surprise. “Waiting to see you is unbearable.” Why it works: Your partner will love to know that even just the anticipation to meet up is killing you. “Let’s try something new tonight.” Why it works: This lets your partner know you’re feeling adventurous. “I want to fall asleep with you inside me.” Why it works: This shows how much you’re craving your partner — and that you’re ready to up the intimacy. “Tell me the last erotic thought you had.” Why it works: Such an open-ended request allows your partner to take the lead. “Will you be my alarm cock tomorrow?” Why it works: Again, who doesn’t love a dirty pun? “Woke up so hungry for you.” Why it works: This text sends a loud and clear message to your partner: They have been on your mind all day. “So insatiable today. SOS!” Why it works: This is a much more interesting way to let your partner know that you’re horny. And sending a distress signal will tell them just how horny you are. “Need to feel your breath against my skin.” Why it works: Describing a specific sensation will transport your sext recipient to a hot moment you shared together — and make them want to recreate it for you ASAP. “I’m sopping wet ;)” Why it works: Save this one for a rainy day. A little innuendo (or, in this case, a lot) can be extremely effective. “I just had the hottest dream/fantasy about you. Want to hear it?” Why it works: “Who hasn’t had that sext come in at the worst time? Asking for consent makes sure your partner will be as into it as you are,” Dr. Powell says. “Plus, you’ve already started a tease by telling them there’s something super hot coming!” Illustrated by: Abbie Winters “I am looking SO HOT right now! Want a pic?” Why it works: “When you’re looking down and loving what you see, why not let [your sexting partner] in on the enjoyment?” Dr. Powell says. “Plus, this builds the anticipation of just how amazing the pic will be when they get it.” Illustrated by: Abbie Winters “I’m too busy tonight. You can’t have me until tomorrow.” Why it works: Is there anything hotter than a good tease? Illustrated by: Abbie Winters “You like that, don’t you?” Why it works: If your partner is the one who’s a little tongue-tied, this is a great way to send some encouragement (with minimal pressure). Illustrated by: Abbie Winters “I miss feeling you inside of me.” Why it works: If you’re tongue-tied and looking for a way to get your sexting session started, this is a pretty good ice-breaker. Illustrated by: Abbie Winters “I’m about to explode.” Why it works: A big part of sexting? Reacting to your partner and letting them know just how much they turn you on. Illustrated by: Abbie Winters. “Tell me what you think about when you touch yourself.” Why it works: As far as getting started goes, this is a great way to set the mood. Illustrated by: Abbie Winters. “I want you to tease me until I can’t take it any longer.” Why it works: It’s like they say — you can’t get what you want unless you ask for it. Illustrated by: Abbie Winters. “Let me watch you touch yourself.” Why it works: As Marin tells us, this kind of text allows you to relinquish just enough control — and the results could be mind-blowing. Illustrated by: Abbie Winters. “I love when you talk like that.” Why it works: The cardinal rule of sexting applies here — be responsive when our partner sexts back. Illustrated by: Abbie Winters. “I’m touching myself right now thinking about you.” Why it works: If you need a conversation starter, this one builds the fire of anticipation and can jumpstart a foreplay session. Illustrated by: Abbie Winters. “Get on your knees.” Why it works: A little assertion can go a long way in getting your partner hot and bothered. Illustrated by: Abbie Winters “That turns me on so much.” Why it works: Feel free to use a more specific variation of this text — it never hurts to let your partner know exactly how you feel. Illustrated by: Abbie Winters “I’m going to make you come so hard.” Why it works: It’s a promise that you’ll actually want to be held accountable for — and hopefully, your partner will reciprocate. Illustrated by: Abbie Winters “I’m going to make you beg for it.” Why it works: Seduce your partner with the promise of what’s to come. Illustrated by: Abbie Winters “Remember the time we did _______?” Why it works: If you’re nervous about how to get a sexting session started, this text will clue your partner into your intentions without being too specific. Illustrated by: Abbie Winters. “Your body looks incredible.” Why it works: A big part of sex is making your partner feel good, so if you’re not physically there, it pays to kick things off by paying him or her a compliment. Illustrated by: Abbie Winters “I just got out of the shower.” Why it works: It’s a mental image that your partner won’t be able to get out of his or her head. Illustrated by: Abbie Winters “I’m getting so antsy just thinking about seeing you later.” Why it works: If you’re looking for a sexting ice-breaker, this is it. It’s simple, yet effective in building anticipation, making it a great starter. Illustrated by: Abbie Winters “I’ve got a surprise waiting for you.” Why it works: It almost certainly provokes a response to get the session going — who doesn’t want to find out what the “surprise” is? Illustrated by: Abbie Winters “It’s too bad you’re not here right now.” Why it works: It’s the perfect segue into describing (in as much detail as you like) what would be happening if your partner were there right now. Illustrated by: Abbie Winters “I want you / I need you.” Why it works: It’s straightforward and direct without being explicit, leaving room for you to elaborate on exactly why you want/need your partner. Illustrated by: Abbie Winters “Get over here right now.” Why it works: It conveys all of your “need-you-now” passion in just five words. Illustrated by: Abbie Winters “That feels so good.” Why it works: It lets your partner know what works for you. Illustrated by: Abbie Winters “I can’t get enough of you.” Why it works: This text tells your partner just how much you want him or her, without getting too specific (great if you’re shy). Illustrated by: Abbie Winters “What else will you do to me?” Why it works: It’s playful, it’s teasing, and it encourages your partner to keep going. Illustrated by: Abbie Winters “I can’t get last night out of my mind.” Why it works: Invoking steamy memories is a foolproof way to get the fire going again. Illustrated by: Abbie Winters “Tell me more.” Why it works: If you’ve gotten a sext that leaves you a little tongue-tied, this is a great way to keep the conversation flowing. Illustrated by: Abbie Winters “Your clothes are coming off the second you get through the door.” Why it works: It’s clear and direct, but not explicit — in case you’re not ready to go there yet. Although, feel free to go into detail about what happens next. Illustrated by: Abbie Winters “I’m going to let you do anything you want to me.” Why it works: The implications alone will get you both revved up. Illustrated by: Abbie Winters “I have a new toy we can play with.” Why it works: This message tells your partner that you’re in a playful mood and happy to take your time tonight. Interested in adding toys to your sex life but not sure where to start? Check out our guide to couples’ sex toys here. “I want you to boss me around tonight.” Why it works: If you don’t know how to get started, this one is a great way to set the tone. Illustrated by: Abbie Winters Want more bedroom banter? Watch couples discuss their sex lives on “How Two Love.” Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here? The Perfect Sext For Every Sign This Is What Sexting Does To Your Relationship